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The point... [18 Apr 2008|12:23pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

help me find my way out

Code Blue! [22 Feb 2008|05:04pm]
[ mood | predatory ]

Yea, I'm locking down the journal from here on out. End of story. I'm sick of hypocritical assholes who think they know what's going on reading it.

1 got lost|help me find my way out

Strange quote of guess the movie or something [04 Feb 2008|08:08pm]
[ mood | lazy ]

One Madie's too many, and a hundred's not enough.

Which movie was this quote from?

Get your own quotes:
help me find my way out

Wow, always on the road, huh? [24 Oct 2007|12:19am]
[ mood | shocked ]

Hey wow! I just got back from Georgia! Do I ever stay in this state? Hell no. Especially when I found out that I leave the 30th for Basic Training!!!

6 got lost|help me find my way out

blond goldfish [06 Jun 2007|09:41pm]
[ mood | blah ]

Welp, got put on medication. Huzzah...or something. I feel like a blond. I seem to have the attention span of a fucking goldfish. I also feel numb. Too numb. Mom sent me a envelope with all my mail in it as usual, except there was a little note on it saying "I love you with all of my heart forever and ever." Fanfuckingtastic, right? Under normal circumstances that would have upset me for the rest of the day. Instead...I freaked for about 30 seconds. And that was it. 30 seconds and then I just couldn't really feel anything other than confused about it. I've been falling asleep pretty much wherever I happen to sit down. Took a cat nap today and I'm ready to go to bed again. I keep zoning out randomly. If I go for a drive I don't even remember most of it. Or working with a customer I'll forget what I was doing until I realize their phone is in my hands and needs a battery. It's ridiculous.

I had nightmares last night. All I know is that Mom was in them. I don't know what they were about. I am thinking of showing up to see her on Friday. I need to see if she'll give me back the money for school. At the very least anyway. Her problem with that before was that I wasn't exactly sure what I wanted to do. Well...now I think I know (for now anyway). Or a general direction. So yea...but I'm not sure. Would it just make things worse? Then again I'm not able to get that upset right now anyway. And how could it be worse? Bah. I don't know. I'll have to figure something out I guess.

7 got lost|help me find my way out

[23 May 2007|02:25am]
[ mood | mixed ]

I bought a new car...

7 got lost|help me find my way out

Rum and Coca Cola, workin' for the yankee dollar [06 May 2007|12:46am]
[ mood | annoyed ]

Shaleen...Enough said, but I guess I should elaborate.

Unnecessary explanationCollapse )

help me find my way out

Damn wind... [26 Apr 2007|05:21pm]
[ mood | confused ]

Driving a gigantic panel van is no fun. I'm not used to having to think about if the ten and a half foot high roof is going to make it beneath the trees, power lines, gas station overhangs, etc. Damn thing pivots on it's rear wheels which made some curbs very unhappy. Driving down 95 and the thing gets buffeted around by wind, I'm having to force it from going into other lanes. Then at CVS, some idiot decides she's going to try and back into the side of me...how can you not see it? The huge monstrosity? At least it had a loud ass horn and she missed us by a foot or so. I'm used to that in my tiny car, but seriously how could you not see it behind you. Anyhow...all my stuff that I want to keep is out of my mother's. I left the room a mess purposely. Left her a note about how nice the new table is and that I'm thrilled that my tuition is going to good use. Also told her where I left the keys...which I forgot to leave. She's gonna be a bit peeved when she realizes they're not there. Too bad. Saying goodbye to Max was hard...especially with Bri itching to go and knowing I won't see him again. But it's done...

Now I have to wait for shaleen to get her ass in gear and get her shit out of here so I can unpack. It'd be nice not to have to run into the garage and dig through a box every time I need something. I'd help her one night but she's usually too drunk to do much but complain and screech at me or chase me through the kitchen trying to shove apples at me. o_O Anywho...we're not at each other's throats...yet. I know it'll happen. Just a matter of time. Other than that. I hate Ft. Lauderdale, but that's just too damn bad I guess. Oh well. That was the adventure of the day.

1 got lost|help me find my way out

Reminder to self: [20 Apr 2007|12:18am]
[ mood | anxious ]

NEVER drop phone in water...ever. It sucks. A lot. It worked, just not as a phone...and the display kinda was squishy...Had to drop $300 into buying a new one outright, but I just got 600 back from the government so it kinda worked out. Its a nice new shiny phone...Sync I think it was. Got a hook up on the sim card for it. They just looked the other way. Would've payed just as much where I work for my same old phone. Instead I got a nice new better one. Manager wasn't happy with the fact I went to an actual Cingular store when we are a dealer but he can kiss my ass, they sell it cheaper. I have to open tomorrow but I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight...Debating whether to go for a jog or to play some WoW...I think sitting in my warm room with my computer will win out tonight...moving boxes all day then swimming was enough exercise. Yea...that sounds nice.

Haven't heard from mom...at all. Except for the note on the door saying that anything I want to keep better be out by the end of april if I want to keep any of it. Oh and a nice brand new dining room set got put in I saw. Glad to see my college education going to good use for her. It's very nice. I think the last day when I get the last few things out and leave my key I'm going to smear peanut butter all over it and leave a note in it. That thought makes me happy. I wouldn't be ruining it...just...being a pain in the ass. I bet she still wishes she would have gotten that third abortion...lucky for me she didn't.

help me find my way out

Any time now. [04 Apr 2007|09:49pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

It'd be really nice to be able to just cry, scream and just let all of this out. The only time I'm alone or soundproofed enough is in my car, and being hysterical is not conducive to driving. I feel so frustrated/scared/angry/hurt/worthless/and i need to mourn this loss. It'll start hitting me at work, but I can't just randomly curl into a ball on the sales floor. I'll be trying to sleep and it would feel so good just to let it out into my pillow and cry myself to sleep, but my grandparents are in the next room and I can't wake them. I want no one around me. I want no pity, just time/space/understanding to deal with it. My manager is avoiding me like the plague so that she doesn't have to sign the transfer papers. She says it'll blow over and I should stay with her. She doesn't realize that my mother will never let me back in. She no longer considers me her daughter. It doesn't help. I need to get out of west palm. Start fresh. Ft. Lauderdale has always been "dad territory." No memories of her there. But Jen is procrastinating and holding me back and making this worse. I need to find a place or a time where I can become the quivering sobbing mass and just exhaust myself. I keep having to push it to the back of my mind and it's just gonna fester. Joe says it's good 'cause I won't have mommy to run to. It's not so much that...more of it's an empty hole where there was once always love and support. She was mom. That's an undeniable instinct. If she'd never existed or left when I was young then I wouldn't have this hole. This gaping monstrosity that was my soul. I shouldn't have to mourn her when she still breathes. I shouldn't have to see her walk away from me and know she will never see me graduate, see me married, see where I end up, spoil the grandkids (if i ever loose my mind and have any), let alone not know or seem to care where I slept last night, if I end up at RadioShack forever, if I die in some horrible "accident" or anything. Even if I did end up in retail forever only ever have a high school education and any number of mediocre things shouldn't a mother still love unconditionally? I'm flesh and blood, but Mark is obviously more worth her time. When did blood get so thin? When did money come before love? I don't understand. I never will, but I hope to soon start to be able to deal with it.

2 got lost|help me find my way out

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice... [01 Apr 2007|12:10pm]
[ mood | infuriated ]

Once again my mother has utterly lost her mind. Thursday I went home to have "a talk" with her. She read me a lecture. Yes...read as in off of a piece of paper. She said the following
1. I was disrespectful: How am I disrespectful when you only see me asleep?
2. I was not taking school serious: Then how do I have a 98% in my class?
3. There was a cup in the sink: Um...right.
4. The gate was never closed: You put bamboo on it, it catches wind, it blows open.
5. I have a dead end job: I'm not staying there forever, and where did you work? Oh that's right Roy Rogers bitch!
6. I take advantage of her: I eat food from the fridge?
There were some other bullshit reasons, but it comes down to this. She doesn't see me study/work/put shit away/etc. and therefore it just doesn't happen. She then builds shit up in her mind to be some horrific insult. The gate being open was a big "fuck you" to her. Yes. Because that was my intention when I didn't latch it 'cause the damn rusty thing had just bruised me again for the 5th time that week. If anything that gate was saying fuck you all by itself. If an open rusty gate can turn into a giant middle finger I don't want to know what that a cup would be imagined as. To top everything off through the entire recited lecture she referred to me only as my father's daughter and/or "a Goldberg." I asked/screamed at her if that meant i was not a part of her or her family to which I got no reply. Hm...Fine, I don't want to be part of your neurotic god damn so called family.

She has kicked me out, renounced me from her family, and pulled my prepaid college. Thank you mother for screwing me over again. You are no longer part of my life as anything other than a memory and a lesson. Us "Goldbergs" will prove you wrong. I will finish school and I will one day be better off than you. Mom-mom wondered how you could do this, then realized you have never lost a child like she has. Well now you know.

2 got lost|help me find my way out

This fits half decent for the moment [11 Mar 2007|11:53am]
[ mood | confused ]

Audioslave - What you are

And when you wanted me,
I came to you.
And when wanted someone else,
I withdrew.
And when you asked for light,
I set myself on fire.
And if I go far away,
I know you'll find another slave.
Now I'm free
from what you want.
Now I'm free
from what you need.
Now I'm free
from what you are.
And when you wanted blood,
I cut my veins.
And when you wanted love,
I bled myself again.
Now that I've had my fill of you,
I'd give you up forever.
And here i go far away,
I know you,
you'll find another slave.
Now I'm free
from what you want.
Now I'm free
from what you need.
Now I'm free
from what you are.
Then a reason came to me
when you came along.
I gave you everything but then
you wanted more.
Now I'm free
from what you want.
Now I'm free
from what you need.
Now I'm free
from what you are.
Now I'm free
from what you want.
Now I'm free
from what you need.
Now I'm free
from what you are.

help me find my way out

RenFestish [06 Mar 2007|06:17pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Me and Bri being...well, me and Bri at ren-fest.
And I don't look a little ridiculously happy in the picture, NO! (you would too!!)
I guess that all things considered the day went well, even though it felt insanely long.
Work is going ish...don't know whether I should give my 2 weeks or not yet.
It feels good to be a bruised battered mess again! *grin*
And more than likely I'll return more black and blue before the end of this evening.
I need something to look forward to damnit!
Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Bri in her new hat. Isnt she cute?!

7 got lost|help me find my way out

Just kill me now... [16 Feb 2007|05:55pm]
[ mood | numb ]

Doctor doesn't know what's wrong. I have to see some specialist. I need insurance. I need insurance before I possibly get diagnosed with anything 'cause then i might not even get insurance. I want to go to Ren fest, but then again I don't and probably wont 'cause I can't go with the one person I've been waiting to go with for months. I'm sick of being numb. I miss having emotions no matter how much they hurt, but I've totally shut down at this point. And on top of it, the other doctor doesn't know what's wrong with me either so I'm screwed on that front. Both my body and my mind are against me, what do I have left?

help me find my way out

[12 Feb 2007|08:47am]
[ mood | sick ]

I think I'm dying.
Bri says I should go to the hospital...
I don't like hospitals.
But I'm beginning to think so to.
We'll hope this gets better by itself.

help me find my way out

New Year? [01 Jan 2007|10:27pm]
[ mood | awake ]

This year had better be a whole hell of a lot better than the last two. That's all I have to say about that. No resolutions, no promises that will be broken anyway, nothing.

1 got lost|help me find my way out

Never fails... [09 Dec 2006|01:32am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

Okay...abridged version: I blew up my mother's washer/dryer unit.
If you're bored enough or you haven't already heard my whining and bitching about it read the unabridged versionCollapse )

So yea...that was my day. Go ahead, laugh.

3 got lost|help me find my way out

Boogie man is under my bed.... [03 Dec 2006|07:16pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

Nightmares suck. Well, I don't know if I'd call it a nightmare except for the fact that I woke up crying for about an hour. The dream itself was nice...or would have been nice if it was real. One of those this is what you could have had/done but you're an ass so you missed out kind of dream. I can't shake the feeling it gave me. I don't want anyone touching me even lest they spoil or contaminate that feeling. It's driving me nuts. I keep pushing and shoving it down but it always resurfaces. I don't want to go to sleep. I don't want to face something like that again.

help me find my way out

Planes trains and automobiles [03 Dec 2006|12:43am]
[ mood | horny ]

Well, I go to Dad's tomorrow and I'm going to see if I can convince him to let me sell my car. I love my baby. I really do. But i can't keep dropping a grand here, two thousand there into it. I'll never save money. Even with monthly payments + insurance it would be more economical than this. Oh well...I'm gonna try.

I'm going to Georgia. I get to see the twins. I get to see....cold weather? YAY! And I might go up with them for spring break if I can YAY!

What else...I thought my manager was going to pull his pants down in front of me today.

Dave: hey madie, wanna see something cool?
me: Okay
Dave: *unbuckles belt*
me: what the hell are you...?!
Dave: these pants used to be snug *shows proudly a few inch gap between him and pants*
me: oooohhh...yea cool *thumbs up*

I was ready to freak out. Jeeze. But that is all...


(holy crap that's sad...i'm soliciting in my journal...yea...sales for me have sucked that bad lately)


1 got lost|help me find my way out

School...pleh [09 Nov 2006|03:22pm]
[ mood | blah ]

Well, I'm at FAU...and I'm going to register for 2 classes. Psychology and some intro to education class. Yay...or something.

My manager is leaving. And we are all working our asses off to get Stephan put in his place. If not, then I'm transferring stores. It wont be worth working all the way in WPB if everyone changes. Oh well. Just shoot me.

I get my new phone tomorrow...It's pretty. Then I'm switching to Cingular. My number will stay the same...but I might not have it for a few days. That'll give me 2000 minutes, unlimited downloads and text....all for a new low price of $25.99. That's right just 25 99. Yea...Point taken. Yay for being a third party for a huge company. So if my phone's out of service for a few days I'm not dead. Not like anyone calls except for maybe 2 people. But still. I just have to put that out there.

Oh I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Wiener. That is what I truly want to beeeeee. For if I were an Oscar Meyer Wiener, everyone would be in love with me.

5 got lost|help me find my way out

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